Am I not good enough? (WARNING : Dont take it seriously.)

Seriously am i not good enough?

Do i lack something?

Should i quit?

I know it’s not good to envy or be jealous. Its totally not right. And I’ve always told myself to never feel jealous by others success. But i also know, not everyone is able to just put that aside so easily. I hate myself so much whenever i get close to even being envious of others or jealous. I take a breath and pick myself up, and try again.

But why do all the good things, fall in to the hands of the shittiesst idiots who have the words “inconsiderate”, “Shallow Minded”, “Rude”, “Racists”, “Arrogant” plastered alllllllllllllll over their faces????????? And those who work so fricken hard to just even touch the taste of success, just never catches a break????

I hate it when i’m feeling like this. So before i continue ranting, I wanna say sorry for any of you readers if you feel offended or think i’m blaming you…Its not. really. I’m just, not in a good mood. So sorry kalau terasa.

Honestly, does my music suck shit?

Am i terrible? Should i just stop performing? Or try to be a serious composer? Am i a poser? Do my songs sound like crap? Does it lack something? Is it tasteless? Does my voice sound terrible? Do i sound like shit? Am i not original enough? Am i not good enough to be asked to play? Am i not nice enough to play for free? Am i asking alot???? Should my songs have better tunes? Should i change my style? Should i not sing, and just write? SHould i not sing at all? Should i just do animation??? Should i just sell burgers? Do i have to sleep with a producer and agree to write typical sad malay songs with bad lyrics for a 5 year contract and then get a chance to sing my own stufF??? Do i have to go around youtube everyday and play play play play till someone tells me i’m good to go?????? Do i have to have a pretty face?? Do i have to be able to make friends with certain people and then be a freeloader??? Make a group of people and tell them to promote me with shitty songs??? What is it? What???

(Long pause). Again.

I’m sorry. I just… I dont entirely mean what i say here. Not all of it. But i am tired of just not being good enough no matter how hard i try. Honestly, i’m happy for friends who’ve made it to do what they love the most. I am thankful. I’ve always been thankful, that i do get to do two things. But This is not what i want.

No i’m not saying i wanna be a rockstar on mtv. Shit no. I just, wanna be appreciated for my effort i guess.

(pause)…Honestly, I’ve been busting my ass to get noticed for my songwriting as a serious composer. Maybe cause i write more in english is why no one takes me seriously i dont know.But i’ve worked hard with that guitar and bleed my fingers since junior high school. And i’ve worked along side those people who’ve succeded in the same category, where they just started and had no idea what all of this was, and boom! they hit big. And i’m so fricken proud of them i swear to God. But where’s my chance? Some people just started doing this for fun, and hits them like a lottery the next day! Some started for fun, and realize their talent, and work hard and got their call! So did I ok.

I make contacts, i do my networking, i record as much as i can, low budget, high budget pun ada, when thru it running under the rain for it, became broke for it, jobless for it, homeless for it, laughed at for it, i take and find whatever chance i can get to sit on a stool and sing my heart out with love and just wanna share, BUT i also want the world to know that “Hey, this what i can do. Let me have a chance and i will do better because this is all i Know~!”.

So many times i feel like giving up.

And i shouldnt feel like this. Its as if i’m questioning God’s plans. Which is totally wrong.

I just wanna rant out.

You know what, maybe its true. maybe cause i sing english more. Maybe its cause i shout too much while singing. maybe cause i dont know certain people to gain connection. Maybe my recordings or too average that people are looking for the shitty recordings. Or maybe when i do my shitty recordings, its just even more shitty. Maybe my lyrics arent good enough or mature enough. Maybe my songs are too long and boring. Maybe i sound boring.  Maybe i’m not charming enough on stage like others? maybe I just suck?

SHouldnt whine.

I should stop whining.

I should just stick the the next best thing. Animating. EVEN if that’s not exactly what i wanna do as a career. Its ok. I dont even have a locked down career. Here, being a female animator, you cant go anywhere high unless you kiss some boss Ass, or make buddy pals with higher ranking leaders, or work at the same place for 20 years till you fall sick and frequent visits to the hospital, THEN! you get noticed. Its the same anywhere else. cant go up, just stuck in the middle.

I’m sorry everyone.

Again i dont entirely mean what i say here. I’m just letting it out. Im just leaning my head on the shoulders of a blog. sounds shitty>? screw it. i’ll type what i want.

 

I just wanna get out of here.

Just….(pause)…I’m sorry. I understand if youre gonna comment what an ungrateful ‘female-dog’ i am. I just wanna let it out.

I promise to do better. I’m sorry.