Am I not good enough? (WARNING : Dont take it seriously.)

Seriously am i not good enough?

Do i lack something?

Should i quit?

I know it’s not good to envy or be jealous. Its totally not right. And I’ve always told myself to never feel jealous by others success. But i also know, not everyone is able to just put that aside so easily. I hate myself so much whenever i get close to even being envious of others or jealous. I take a breath and pick myself up, and try again.

But why do all the good things, fall in to the hands of the shittiesst idiots who have the words “inconsiderate”, “Shallow Minded”, “Rude”, “Racists”, “Arrogant” plastered alllllllllllllll over their faces????????? And those who work so fricken hard to just even touch the taste of success, just never catches a break????

I hate it when i’m feeling like this. So before i continue ranting, I wanna say sorry for any of you readers if you feel offended or think i’m blaming you…Its not. really. I’m just, not in a good mood. So sorry kalau terasa.

Honestly, does my music suck shit?

Am i terrible? Should i just stop performing? Or try to be a serious composer? Am i a poser? Do my songs sound like crap? Does it lack something? Is it tasteless? Does my voice sound terrible? Do i sound like shit? Am i not original enough? Am i not good enough to be asked to play? Am i not nice enough to play for free? Am i asking alot???? Should my songs have better tunes? Should i change my style? Should i not sing, and just write? SHould i not sing at all? Should i just do animation??? Should i just sell burgers? Do i have to sleep with a producer and agree to write typical sad malay songs with bad lyrics for a 5 year contract and then get a chance to sing my own stufF??? Do i have to go around youtube everyday and play play play play till someone tells me i’m good to go?????? Do i have to have a pretty face?? Do i have to be able to make friends with certain people and then be a freeloader??? Make a group of people and tell them to promote me with shitty songs??? What is it? What???

(Long pause). Again.

I’m sorry. I just… I dont entirely mean what i say here. Not all of it. But i am tired of just not being good enough no matter how hard i try. Honestly, i’m happy for friends who’ve made it to do what they love the most. I am thankful. I’ve always been thankful, that i do get to do two things. But This is not what i want.

No i’m not saying i wanna be a rockstar on mtv. Shit no. I just, wanna be appreciated for my effort i guess.

(pause)…Honestly, I’ve been busting my ass to get noticed for my songwriting as a serious composer. Maybe cause i write more in english is why no one takes me seriously i dont know.But i’ve worked hard with that guitar and bleed my fingers since junior high school. And i’ve worked along side those people who’ve succeded in the same category, where they just started and had no idea what all of this was, and boom! they hit big. And i’m so fricken proud of them i swear to God. But where’s my chance? Some people just started doing this for fun, and hits them like a lottery the next day! Some started for fun, and realize their talent, and work hard and got their call! So did I ok.

I make contacts, i do my networking, i record as much as i can, low budget, high budget pun ada, when thru it running under the rain for it, became broke for it, jobless for it, homeless for it, laughed at for it, i take and find whatever chance i can get to sit on a stool and sing my heart out with love and just wanna share, BUT i also want the world to know that “Hey, this what i can do. Let me have a chance and i will do better because this is all i Know~!”.

So many times i feel like giving up.

And i shouldnt feel like this. Its as if i’m questioning God’s plans. Which is totally wrong.

I just wanna rant out.

You know what, maybe its true. maybe cause i sing english more. Maybe its cause i shout too much while singing. maybe cause i dont know certain people to gain connection. Maybe my recordings or too average that people are looking for the shitty recordings. Or maybe when i do my shitty recordings, its just even more shitty. Maybe my lyrics arent good enough or mature enough. Maybe my songs are too long and boring. Maybe i sound boring.  Maybe i’m not charming enough on stage like others? maybe I just suck?

SHouldnt whine.

I should stop whining.

I should just stick the the next best thing. Animating. EVEN if that’s not exactly what i wanna do as a career. Its ok. I dont even have a locked down career. Here, being a female animator, you cant go anywhere high unless you kiss some boss Ass, or make buddy pals with higher ranking leaders, or work at the same place for 20 years till you fall sick and frequent visits to the hospital, THEN! you get noticed. Its the same anywhere else. cant go up, just stuck in the middle.

I’m sorry everyone.

Again i dont entirely mean what i say here. I’m just letting it out. Im just leaning my head on the shoulders of a blog. sounds shitty>? screw it. i’ll type what i want.

 

I just wanna get out of here.

Just….(pause)…I’m sorry. I understand if youre gonna comment what an ungrateful ‘female-dog’ i am. I just wanna let it out.

I promise to do better. I’m sorry.

The little things i do, that remind me of little things back then.

Every time i’m spreading peanut butter or jam on a slice of bread, it reminds me of my Mother and an episode of Sesame Street. – There was a scene where a bunch of kids went on a picnic at some wide open green grass space. A young African-American little girl sat down and spread jam on her bread and made more sandwiches for her friends. My mother was watching this episode with me. She then said, “See Rina, look at that little girl. She’s younger than you and she can put jam on her bread all by herself. You’re already 12 years old and you can’t do it yourself.” – Ever since then i learnt to do it myself and am reminded of that moment every time i make myself a sandwich.

Every time i hold a paint brush in my hand, it reminds me of how cruel my brother was when we were kids. – When i was really young around 7 or 8 years old, i used to love brushing my face with water color paint brushes that you get for free in those Luna pencil color boxes.  I would brush it on my eyelids, around my mouth and cheeks. One day, my brother decided to tell me a lie that i thought was true until i was 13 years old. He saw me playing with the paint brush and said, “Eeee Rina, those hairs on the paint brush are actually from Pig hair! And you brush it on your face! Ew your face is no longer Halal!”. I cried as he ran around the house yelling “Rina’s face is not Halal! Rina’s face is not Halal!!!”. – So everytime i’m putting on my make up using my blusher…I tend to smile and at myself, while that memory echoes in my mind.

Every time I eat fish, i tell myself i’ve gain IQ points. – Again, like all little kids, you used to hate eating greens. I hated it. prolly still do. But, i also hated eating fish. There was one time when my mother said there was nothing else to cook for dinner aside vegeies and fried fish. I stuck my tounge out looking at the meal. My fother loves eating fish, he then told me…“Eat fish Rina. It makes you smart. Look at Abang, he has good grades, that’s why he’s eating fish. And look at me, I’m very very smart. That’s why i told your mother to cook fish. So you can eat, and you’ll be smart like me.” He looked at me while biting the head of a fried fish and gave me a cheeky smile. So i did. I ate fish. – So every time i eat it, I always feel as if i’ve gain my IQ points for the day. I love fried fish ever since then.

Ever time a friend would ask me out at the very last minute/hour while waking me from a nap, reminds me of the Twins. - The Twins, Sae and Farah and I used to live together every now and then. There was a time when i had to crash at their apartment for a month. and every other weekend, like every one else, i wake up late at noon. The girls tend to always wake me up and thoughtfully ask me out for a movie “Hi Ryn, sorry to wake you. Wanted to ask if you wanna come to KLCC with us and catch a movie?” I open my groggy eyes and sit up, looking at the both of them, already All dressed up with their shoes on and handbangs hung. “er..What time are you guys planning to go?” i ask confusingly at this picture. “Now, by 1pm.” They smiled. I look at the clock, and its 12:58pm. – We laugh at these memories everytime we go out now. They tell me their sorry and their excuse was “We didnt wanna disturb your nice sleep while we were getting ready.” Funny.

Every time i fry something it reminds me of Iin, and the Fire Department. – I know i’ve told this story before, but it never gets old. When Iin and I live in the same apartment during our college days, i normally fry myself nice deep fried nuggets and a bowl of rice. One unfortunate evening, i wake up from a late evening nap. Feeling groggy, i also felt hungry. So i decided to fry some nuggets. Being half awake, i simply poured the cooking oil into the pan and heated it up with the stove. The next thing i new, as i opend up the lid getting ready to pour the nuggets, Fire was blooming out from the frying pan. I stared at it for a good 5 seconds bangged on the door for my other housemate to get out of the shower. “Reena! get out!! I need to use the bathroom! we’ve got fire!!!” Iin who was in the living room said…“Ryn something is burning.” As she walked to the kitchen she said “Oh SHIT! Ryn what the hell???” I just shouted at her and said “IIn! Water water!!” She panicly did a few skipping of left and right, and ran to the other toilet and filled in a bucket of water. But by the time i she struggled to carry it to the kitchen i had already crashed into the other bathroom and threw the firery heaty dragons breath frying pan under the running shower. The three of us, Me holding a burnt cloth in one hand, Reena in a towel and shampoo in her hair, and Iin crouching with a bucket of water all stared at the pan from the door. – Honestly, i cant remember the last time i fried nuggets. That was probably it. Plus, some one called the fire department. Cause black smoke was coming out of our window.

Every time i brush my tongue after my teeth, reminds me of my primary school teacher who gave a speech bout brushing your tongue. - During the morning assembly, one time, my primary school teacher got up to the mic and started lecturing us about the importance of brushing your teeth. It had nothing do with and school news or event. It was such a random topic. She then started talking like a deaf person using her finger to point into her mouth showing us her wisdome tooth with one hand holding the mic struggling and saying “ya sthee tha par aht tha bagh ow yow tangh??? yah neeth tha bwar ith  ehwiday!!!” It was such a gross sight. She then stick her tongue out and said “Sthee tho whait staaph!! Ith germs!! Braath ith ehwiday!!!” then continued to talk like a normal person “OK kids??”. – I laugh at myself every time i do that looking myself at the mirror. I tend to talk to myself and see how weird i sound and look like.

There lots more stuff i do that reminds me of many of my life memories…but so far these are the common ones.

I need to find an aparment.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin 2009.

Hi guys. I know, its been awhile yeah? well, i havent really had the mood or certain time to rant/express/blog about stuff.

I’m in the middle of packing to head to Labuan tomorrow after morning prayers with my family. So thought I’d take this time to say all my Hari Raya wishes to everyone. Or anything Raya-ish theme related.

I love Hari Raya. I love being with my family and having a laugh. Even right now, i’m like multi-tasking doing packing my clothes, packing kuih raya, packing shoes, helping mum in the kitchen, typing this, makan some of my mums homemade noodles, typing this, chatting with my family and laughing non-stop, then typing this, then watching the football match, sms-ing people, typing this, etc etc etc.

Tomorrow is my nephew’s first experience attending the Aidilfitri morning prayers at the state Mosque. He’s really looking forward to it. I heard him counting the times washing his  hands during ambil air wuduk. Very cute. This year, is the first time that i’m wont be wearing a new Baju Kurung. Cutting my mum some slack for being our tailor ever year since i was born. She’s never got a chance to make more than one baju kurung for herslef ever cause she’s been so dedicated to make our Raya clothes. This year, i let my mum have her chance of  taking her time to make her own baju kurung. Plus, i’m happy with the amount that i have, specially tailored by her.

My dad always made this joke. well, its his yearly Raya joke. “Haih, Rina. I’m so not used to fasting for just 30 days. I’m used to fasting more than 3 or 6 months. Its wierd to have an early Aidilfitri.” He’s sarcastic smile breaks into a laugh. And i laugh along with him. he adds, “Padahal buka puasa pukul 6, muka sudah biru! hahaha!”

I tagged along with my Dad to the pasar dongongon to buy some fresh chicken and vegetables. Its the first time i’ve ever stepped foot in a fish/meat market after 15 years of dreading it. The smell wasnt that bad as i remembered it. I guess i was happy to be home and in the company of my dad. Plus, it was fun to watch my dad converse in Dusun with the sales lady. Awesome. had no idea he could speak Dusun.

I called up my brother  a few hours ago to tell him that tomorrow was gonna be hari raya. My sis in law passed the phone to him. After i told him the news, all he could reply in his groggy sleepy voice was… “Ehmph…ok. I have to work tomorrow. Happy raya…zzzzz”.

I’ve been gettin alot of wishes from all of my dear friends thru sms. Not that i dont want to reply. Not that i dont appreciate the sms. I really do. But i dont like sending mass sms’s to people. So what i’m saying is that, this post will hopefully make up for all the replies of Aidilfitri wishes.

I would like to wish all of my fellow muslim friends and family, a Happy beloved Aidilfitri. Sorry if i did any wrong doings, or offended you in any way, or anything in the negetive area that affected your feelings, emotionally, physically, mentally, all of it. Forgive me. Prolly my brain was not making sense at those times. And, in return, i forgive who-ever stepped on my tail or woke me up at the wrong side of the bed. May you all have a wonderfull celebration, a blessed holiday, and safe trip home. Hopefully i’ll get to see all in KK or in KL. Selamat Hari Raya guys.

Peace.

Relax, I love you ja bah.

It’s nice to read a mail and below it, it signs off with “I love you, and I meant it “.

It’s amazing to hear it when on your first date, he tells you “sebenarnya saya suka dan minat banget dengan kamu” and realized you’ve been together for two years now, he’s been saying “I love you. I always have and will be” on a daily basis.

It cracks you up or at least put a faint smile on your face when a friend begs for a favor you sort of reluctant to do, still you do it anyway. “I owe you so much! I love you!”

It makes you pause right before youre about to make your point in the middle of an arguement, you cant continue, cause somehow you feel an invisible hug, when youre still angry. “Fuck you, look i love you man, but this is shit!”

It makes you take a step back to figure out either you really did make a mistake in life as your best friend tells you the brutal truth at your face. “I love you and all, but face it…you’re fat.”

It makes you think youre really amazing because you sang the correct lyrics through out the whole concert, and he was thankful, and screamed “You guys were amazing tonight!! Thanks for coming to the show we love you!”

But i think…

The real “I love you” moments, or confrontation situations, are the ones where family barely say it to each other. realistc people who arent dramatic towards their family members, but dramatic with their friends and lovers.

Like proposing to marry your loved one just by showing her a ring in a box without saying a word, and all she did was cry, smile, and put the ring on her finger.

Every time i salaam any of my family members. I bow my head and kiss their palms, i say to them in my heart with all my emotions…I love you. But i never say it out loud. We, never say it out loud. We never say it to each other. well only prolly during sarcastic moments. But to meant it, at proper moment. Never. And we somehow love it that way. It shows how much we all know without having to say it. We are aware of how much we all love each other. basically we wud prolly easily tear up if we said it to one another.  If we did, my mum would prolly say…“Bah! Sudah. sudah. mo makan sudah kita nih!” while holding back her tears.  My sister would make an excuse saying “Shit, my mascara isnt waterproof.” My brother would say “What are you looking at Rina. Look somewhere else. …Go away!”. And i’d smile. My father would be good at being Copperfield and vanish to the bathroom before anyone would notice. And me, all i would do is look down….and count the tiles on the floor.

But like i said, saying I love you, or being told that you are loved…gives a special feeling. It makes you feel worthy for being there in the first place. For being a friend. Being a lover, partner, Parent, brother, sister, relative anything. It makes you be happily selfish for a good reason.

I just wanna say, I love you all. I do. Maybe i’m in a I love you momment. Or tertinggal hari Valentines day. But at least you know i love you. All of you who mean alot to me.

I love you, and i mean it.